Following on from my previous blog, where I introduced my step-by-step guide to therapy, this post delves into a crucial topic: boundaries. In step 2 of exploring your aims for therapy, one of my personal goals was to address my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and work on establishing effective boundaries. This blog will focus on that journey and hopefully provide us all with some useful tools for setting and maintaining boundaries.
For neurodivergent individuals, establishing boundaries can be particularly challenging. Personally, in familiar settings with family and friends, saying no can feel like an uphill battle, sometimes resulting in a reaction that feels disproportionately strong. On the other hand, in unfamiliar situations, the discomfort of saying no can render the word non-existent. This challenge is compounded by something known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which plays a significant role.
RSD, commonly affecting neurodivergent individuals, involves extreme emotional sensitivity and pain in response to perceived rejection or criticism. RSD can trigger both emotional and physical pain, as social rejection activates brain regions associated with physical pain. Consequently, setting boundaries and asserting oneself by saying “no” can evoke anxiety due to the fear of rejection.
In this blog, I aim to explore the critical importance of boundaries, the role of RSD, and apply this understanding to learning effective boundary-setting strategies through various forms of communication and a structured boundary framework.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are essential for mental health and well-being, as they define what you as an individual accept. Boundaries act as a guide as to what you will put up with and where you want draw the line. They can also guide others as to what is acceptable behaviour in their interactions with you and what is not. Boundaries provide a framework for healthy relationships and help individuals maintain a sense of self-respect and autonomy.
From a neurodivergent perspective, setting and maintaining boundaries can be particularly challenging due to heightened sensitivity and difficulties with interoception. As mentioned in some of my previous blogs, interoception can be defined as the internal sense of the body’s psychological condition, such as sensations of hunger and thirst. Many neurodivergent individuals have impaired interoception, making it difficult to recognise signs of stress or burnout until it is too late.
Understanding RSD
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a condition commonly experienced by neurodivergent individuals and is characterised by extreme emotional sensitivity and pain in response to perceived rejection or criticism. Up to 99% of individuals with ADHD experience RSD, with about one-third identifying it as the most challenging aspect of their condition (Barkley, 1997; Dodson, 2020).
RSD can trigger both emotional and physical pain, as brain regions associated with physical pain are activated during social rejection (Masten et al., 2009). This heightened sensitivity often complicates boundary-setting, as the fear of rejection can lead individuals to avoid asserting themselves, even when necessary for their well-being.
Core Beliefs Affect Your Thoughts
Once you become aware of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), it's crucial to understand its impact on your core beliefs and thought patterns. Your core beliefs shape how you perceive situations and interact with others, often influencing your reactions without conscious awareness.
In therapy with my psychologist, we delved into why I struggle so much with saying no: What do I fear will happen if I say no? Why does this trouble me deeply? Through this process, I uncovered that my reluctance to say no stemmed from a core belief that "If I say no, people won’t like me." This realisation wasn't surprising, given the intense emotional responses associated with RSD and the fear of rejection.
Understanding the roots of my thoughts allowed me to reevaluate and begin shifting my mindset. I started to affirm new beliefs such as "Those who respect me will understand my boundaries" and "Saying no is a valuable tool for both myself and others". Whilst it is not a quick fix, this reframing has been instrumental in empowering me to assert my boundaries and cultivate healthier relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
Assertiveness (vs Aggressiveness vs Passivity)
When defining boundaries with others, there are multiple ways of communicating. We can break these down into assertiveness, aggressiveness and passivity. Understanding the difference between these methods is crucial for effective communication and boundary-setting.
Aggressiveness is a method of communication that disregards others’ feelings and can damage relationships.
Passivity means failing to express your needs, often leading to resentment and burnout.
On the other hand, assertiveness involves standing up for yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others – a happy medium.
My psychologist introduced me to the concept of ‘wise mind’ from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which emphasises finding a balance between assertiveness and empathy.
The Boundary Setting Framework
During therapy, I discussed an effective strategy for boundary setting that can be applied to most situations. This structured approach involves a ‘formula’ to help you articulate your feelings and needs clearly while remaining respectful. Additionally, as the formula is centred around yourself and your emotions, it is one that the other person (hopefully) cannot disagree with or take personal offence to.
For example: I’ve enjoyed this evening, thank you for having me over. However, I am feeling quite tired, because I didn’t get much sleep last night. I would like to head home.
Consider the importance of your tone of voice and body language alongside this framework. When delivering your formula-based sentence, aim for a firm yet calm tone, and end with a downward inflection at the end of your statement. This helps convey assertiveness while maintaining respect. In communication, the tone of voice plays a crucial role. A downward inflection at the end of a sentence signals confidence and assertion, contrasting with the rising inflection typically used for questions.
Non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, can also enhance assertiveness. If direct eye contact is challenging, you can focus on the area between the other person's eyebrows. This technique can create the impression of eye contact without feeling overwhelming.
Equally important is your posture. Stand with your shoulders back and your head held high, rather than slouching with shoulders forward and head lowered. This upright stance not only projects confidence but also supports a sense of self-assurance in asserting your boundaries.
Practising Setting Boundaries
Here are some practical tools to help you learn to set boundaries effectively. As I mentioned earlier, developing new behaviours and becoming comfortable expressing your thoughts will take time and effort; it's not an overnight fix.
Understand Your Core Beliefs and Define Your Boundaries:
It's important to delve into your core beliefs before attempting to set boundaries. Start by asking yourself probing questions to uncover the underlying reasons behind your discomfort. For instance, explore why saying no makes you uncomfortable and what you fear might happen if you do so. Understanding these roots can provide clarity and empower you to define your boundaries more effectively.
Use Journaling to Aid Boundary Definition:
Journaling can be a powerful tool in the process of boundary-setting. Instead of trying to list boundaries all at once, jot down thoughts and situations as they arise. This allows you to compile a collection of boundaries gradually, reflecting your evolving understanding and needs.
Repetition and Affirmation:
Incorporate affirmations into your daily routine by writing useful phrases on your bathroom mirror or placing post-it notes around your home. Each morning, repeat these phrases aloud or to yourself. This practice not only reinforces boundary-setting language but also normalises the process, making it feel more natural over time. If you are struggling with coming up with an affirmation, why not start with “Those who respect me will understand my boundaries".
Create a Portable Framework:
Print a small, business card-sized boundary-setting framework to carry in your wallet or purse. Having this tool handy allows you to refer to it whenever you need a reminder or guidance in setting boundaries. Practising with the framework, even in private moments, can build confidence for real-life situations. Click here to download the framework!
Practice in a Supportive Environment:
Practice setting boundaries in a safe and supportive environment, involving trusted family and friends in your journey. They can provide encouragement and constructive feedback, helping you refine your approach and feel more confident in asserting your needs.
Conclusion
Boundaries serve as guidelines that define acceptable behaviours, helping individuals assert their needs while respecting the boundaries of others. Learning to set boundaries is an ongoing process; your understanding of yourself evolves, your specific boundaries may change and so may the way you express your boundaries. Understanding and implementing effective boundary-setting strategies are essential for fostering healthy relationships and maintaining personal well-being.
By integrating these tools into your daily life and practising them consistently, you can gradually develop the skills and confidence needed to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember, this journey involves self-discovery and growth, and each step forward marks progress towards personal empowerment, improved well-being and healthy relationships.
Thanks for reading,
Nidhi :)
References
Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65-94.
Dodson, W. W. (2020). ADHD in Adults: A Practical Guide to Evaluation and Management. Springer.
Masten, C. L., Eisenberger, N. I., Borofsky, L. A., Pfeifer, J. H., McNealy, K., Mazziotta, J. C., & Dapretto, M. (2009). Neural correlates of social exclusion during adolescence: Understanding the distress of peer rejection. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 4(2), 143-157.
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